Broken Records

I keep asking myself the same questions
Over and over again
My mind has become a broken record 

Skipping 

Driving me mad

Just as a skipping record would irritate any listening ears 

There is a constant reminder in these memories that make me feel unworthy 

The record continues to play 

No one can hear it skipping

My mind hears it

It never ends

My madness will overtake reason

Once upon a time a practical person

Now that human doesn’t exist

No one can help stop the record

How could they when they can’t even hear it?

I want it to stop

I can’t take it

I punish myself

Because I deserve it

I don’t see that there is a way to stop it

I’m conceding to the suffering

My mind growing weak and unable

I don’t see the point anymore 

So eventually that record will only stop once it breaks completely 

Just as one would hit rock bottom

The life of the record is over

The end

Escaping the Cycle

Fueled by emotions my memories elude me​

Making me question all that I am 

All that I was

My heart is pounding 

My mind beings to race

The turmoil kicks in 

Judgement after judgement 

Opinion after opinion

The saddest part is the conditioning of our beliefs

Everything we learned is false

Nothing you knew then do you hold true now

Never really reaching what we are trying to find

Who really knows where to go

What path I take

Where to turn 

Everyone is just as lost as I am

Yet I hold myself back and I fight and argue 

I only become my own worse enemy 

Kicking and screaming

Never getting out of my head

Trying to find something that isn’t even there

I’m grasping in the dark and I never find the door

Stuck in the routine forever

All I need to do is to turn on the light

But I am too oppressed 

Too self involved 

Not strong enough

Soon it will all end 

In death, the inevitable. 

Devoured

Loneliness is surrounding my being 

Incapable of anything else

I forget what it’s like to be human

I forget what it’s like to have empathy for others

All I see in this haze is a burden 

A burden to myself 

With lost hope

No one can be found when you’re blind

But this is how you live when you let life’s judgments cloud your perspective 

There is no use in fighting for the truth because you’ll never find it

Truth will deceive you and lure you into the darkness

Into the pain that will swallow you whole 

Your soul will be devoured by criticism and labels

Your mind will be diluted by the sound waves of the television 

Eventually your life will flash before you eyes only for you to see that you have never done a thing

That you failed the world by being suffocated by your own blindness. 

Creating disease after disease from all your poor choices. 

You will turn to waste

same as the waste you spent your whole life creating. 

Perception

There are endless waves of chaos

Life is filled with fleeting moments

Some filled with light and joy 

Others filled with grief and sorrow

Life was never intended to be fair to us

As humans we are meant to suffer

This is hell, it isn’t eternal though 

Only temporary 

Everything is temporary 

Once you realize that you can not hold on to anything forever

Life becomes more challenging yet more balanced

We are meant to suffer but we weren’t supposed to let it consume us

People have the perspective that allowing our feelings to come over us as the waves of the ocean is allowing the pain to consume us

It’s just the opposite 

We must let go, become liberated by our feelings

They are fleeting

Remember?

When you push the feelings deeper inside that bottle

One day you’ll erupt like a volcano and nothing good will come from that

At least when you feel the waves, it’s a sense of being in an ocean 

Even if we feel we could be drowning

We are surrounded by beauty

By life and creation

With the volcano eruption you only receive destruction 

It isn’t until years later that life begins to grow back 

But the life that grows is mutated and deformed

Just like your perception or the world

The perception of yourself 

Deformed and toxic

When you wake up on the right side of the bed

Then all of a sudden you realize it was the wrong side the whole time. You wake up hoping for the best trying to create a great day. Making a good day to have for the remainder and suddenly you realize that your mind is just as fucked up as it was the day before and the day before that. 

It gets old trying to create good days from the shit you’re given. I don’t choose these thoughts that come in and overwhelm my sense of being, I don’t choose to have debilitating anxiety that keeps me locked away from others. This isn’t the day I would have created for myself. 

Why do people not understand that this isn’t the life that people like me want to live? You think it’s fun having your skin crawl from the inside out even when you’re as sober as sober could be? You think I enjoy spending all this time alone trying to convince myself that it would be great to go have dinner with the family  but instead you just wait for them all to leave so I can make dinner for one. 

Life like this isn’t easy. My head is spinning, I have whip lash and I’m on the verge of hopelessness but I can choose to have good days right? You know why I write here right? To create awareness. To show people that no matter how normal you are people struggle. That sometimes people’s brains have the most control over them 

 . That sometimes no matter how hard you try, no matter how much willpower you have sometimes you can’t get over it and you can’t get out of your self absorbed world. 

You think life like this is fun? You think we like to live this way? Being ostracized by the outside world, being misunderstood by most of society, having doctors wanting to over drug you, not having a support network to give you the help you need.  Life like this isn’t easy. My head is spinning, I feel sick to my stomach and I couldn’t even imagine going out into the public eye today. 

My goal for today is to quiet my mind and to take a shower. That’s it. Two goals for me for this terribly anxious filled day. 

Did you miss my point since I have a hard time connecting the dots for your rational mind. All I have are irrational racing thoughts going back and forth and not having any true meaning. I am sorry if you can’t keep up with my chaos, I will make sure to keep you in mind next blog post but today this one is for me.  

 

Disconnected,

And I’m not sure I know what I’m doing. This is terribly hard and feels endlessly dark. It feels deep inside. Today has been a challenge. Tomorrow will be better.  

“Fake it till you make it.”-today’s mantra  

I’m trying to use coping skills: crafting. (Cause you know, I like to create stuff)