Broken Records

I keep asking myself the same questions
Over and over again
My mind has become a broken record 

Skipping 

Driving me mad

Just as a skipping record would irritate any listening ears 

There is a constant reminder in these memories that make me feel unworthy 

The record continues to play 

No one can hear it skipping

My mind hears it

It never ends

My madness will overtake reason

Once upon a time a practical person

Now that human doesn’t exist

No one can help stop the record

How could they when they can’t even hear it?

I want it to stop

I can’t take it

I punish myself

Because I deserve it

I don’t see that there is a way to stop it

I’m conceding to the suffering

My mind growing weak and unable

I don’t see the point anymore 

So eventually that record will only stop once it breaks completely 

Just as one would hit rock bottom

The life of the record is over

The end

Sense of Self

Finding your true self is a chore
How do you even begin such a search?

That feeling you get when you feel whole

When you are just there

Being

In the moment 

That is when you’ve found your true self

I know you don’t feel it often

Just as I don’t either

It’s hard to be yourself

Today

You have to be like everyone else

Everyday

We strive to grow further from the paradigm 

But instead you only get more and more dusted with everyone’s opinions

Conditioning of the mind 

It happens all day without your know about

But the more you find your sense of self

The more you see these conditionings 

You start to try and shake off that filthy dust

Suddenly flailing around trying to rid yourself of what everyone else has set on you with their simple minded opinions

Soon you’ll be cleaned off

Renewed by the light that has started to consume you

From the inside,

Radiating so deep it permeates throughout you

No one can see the dust anymore

You have created your true self

And now you let your light shine on everything you do 

All because you took some time to find yourself

Way to go,

Human. 

Battlegrounds

Today is a new day
Life is such a strange thing

It pushes us down

Builds us up 

To only push you in the sand again

This is what life is,

Challenges 

To make us strong,

To build us up 

To make us the best or worst people we can be

Choices at every moment,

Ethics and morals are something on an individual basis

What’s good to you isn’t always for the greater good

Instant gratification clouds our judgement 

Creating a grey area

An area where good and bad get smudged together

To the point of not being able to decipher the two,

It becomes one 

Something else is created and everyone knows it’s there

Open the the good, to the bad and to the middle ground

That middle ground is a battle ground

A place where attacks happen

Where buildings get set in flame

A place where people are punished by themselves and everyone else

Where we are blamed for all the things that happens to us

But we choose to place the blame on everything else,

Anything else

Life is a messed up thing but we all have to do it 

Choices

That’s it, it’s your choice 

To choose good

Or to choose bad

But who am I to tell you what is good and what is bad?

Remember to always think of the greater good

Try not to place yourself in the middle of the battle ground

Live life on the higher ground

Choose the light 

The place where darkness doesn’t hover over you like a stormy sky

Illuminate the world from the inside of yourself

We all have the ability

Make your choice 

That’s your human right

Good luck, human. 

Escaping the Cycle

Fueled by emotions my memories elude me​

Making me question all that I am 

All that I was

My heart is pounding 

My mind beings to race

The turmoil kicks in 

Judgement after judgement 

Opinion after opinion

The saddest part is the conditioning of our beliefs

Everything we learned is false

Nothing you knew then do you hold true now

Never really reaching what we are trying to find

Who really knows where to go

What path I take

Where to turn 

Everyone is just as lost as I am

Yet I hold myself back and I fight and argue 

I only become my own worse enemy 

Kicking and screaming

Never getting out of my head

Trying to find something that isn’t even there

I’m grasping in the dark and I never find the door

Stuck in the routine forever

All I need to do is to turn on the light

But I am too oppressed 

Too self involved 

Not strong enough

Soon it will all end 

In death, the inevitable. 

Unveiling

I lay here motionless, Yearning for more. 

My desires and hopes all rise to the surface. 

Floating there like lotus flowers for the world to see. 

The world goes dark but when I turn within all I can see is light. 

Penetrating my soul,

Dancing and rejoicing. 

Wholeness is what I ache for 

Never truly finding what I search for. 

This physical realm traps us in “reality”  

Creating a preoccupation,

An illusion. 

My veil begins to fall and deeper inside I turn. 

Only here do I find myself. 

Only here is where I’m whole. 

The outside world is only playing tricks on us to trick us into falling for their nine to five lives. 

Further inside I retreat. 

I’ve found peace. 

I’m not longer gullible to their games and manipulation. 

No longer needing to fulfill that preoccupation. 

I become detached and as my detachment grows, 

My awareness becomes greater. 

I become greater. 

I am whole. 

Melting Skies

Constant chaos fills her every nerve. 

The ground calls her name. 

Beckoning her to become one with the soil. 

To bury her sorrows deep within the depths of Mother Earth.

Trusting her nurturing motherly intent, holding the pain and sorrow with love and compassion. 

She weeps for her child, the skies turn grey and the rain begins to fall. 

Rinsing the broken child of her heartache. 

The tears blend with each rain drop, becoming one. 

The child finds peace, becomes anew. 

After a night of sorrow, the sun rises the next morning. 

Mother Earth looks more beautiful than ever before, having taken care of her child. 

Bathing her in unconditional love, purifying her soul, giving her the strength to rise with the sun. 

The courage to overcome obstacles. 

The resilience to climb mountains no matter how many times she falls. 

She knows, the power is within her, her faith in the universe will provide all that she needs. 

Insecurities

Get the best of us at times. “I’m ugly”, “I’m too fat”, “I’m not funny enough”, “I’m not good enough”,”I’m not pretty enough”, “I’m crazy”- whatever it is you’re telling yourself with your insecure, judgmental brain isn’t right. It isn’t rational, it isn’t based on fact. 

Either way though, we get stuck in these cycles, these habits. These coping skills we have created to survive a bruised ego, hurt feelings, feelings of loneliness or abandonment. They aren’t healthy coping skills, but they are coping skills none the less. 

The thing is though is that they don’t work anymore, we have to find a new way to view ourselves. “I’m beautiful I just don’t fall under basic beauty standards”, “I’m good enough, “I deserve better than this”, “I’m worthy of love”, “I feel beautiful”. We have to start by changing our internal dialogue and start by being nice to ourselves. Show ourselves some compassion. We wouldn’t be this hard on anyone else so why do we allow us to do it to ourselves? 

Once you realize what you’re doing, you can make the appropriate changes to correct the bad habit. You need to remain patient, and always have compassion for yourself. Love yourself unconditionally, you deserve it and you’re worthy of love!

There isn’t any reason to be anxious,

Just take a breath and relax. – we have all heard this one right?

Your anxiety isn’t valid to these people. They think you can just suck it up and feel better like the blink of an eye or the snap of your fingers and POOF! You’re healed and no longer anxious. 

People like that are not helpful. They don’t understand what it’s like to have anxiety, to have racing thoughts, obsessive thoughts, irrational thoughts and even irrational behaviors. Really, this is what it’s like. 

The worst part is when you’re trying your hardest to get shit done and to not let your anxiety consume you and someone has to push you down for not fulfilling all of your cilvilian responsibilities and you’re thinking to yourself “well fuck man, I’m doing my best!” And you know what? That’s all you can do! Your best. If it isn’t good enough for someone drop ’em, they don’t get you and you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. 

I’m at a point where I want to say fuck the world! None of you know a damn thing about my life so get lost! 

I’m angry though, rightfully so but angry none the less. I’m just feeling these feelings like the ebb of the ocean. The in and out of the rhythmic waves. 

It’s ok to be angry, the key is to not let it consume you and not to let yourself stay angry for too long. Eventually I’ll 

  let it go and accept it is for what it is. 

Radical acceptance. That’s what I’m working on. That stuff is hard though. I have a lot of things I’m trying to accept about myself that I don’t want to admit to having those qualities or characteristics.  

 

When life gets tough

And you have to fight the urge to kick life square in the face. Sometimes you have to grit your teeth and bare with it. Yeah, it sucks. It totally sucks, actually. 

There are times though when you have to just say, “ok I know this is only temporary and I know this will not last forever”. This is in fact that time in your life when you have to pick yourself up by your boot straps. No, it isn’t ideal and life isn’t perfect but one foot in front of the other. One day at a time, one task at a time, focusing on the details at hand. Not thinking about the internal bullshit or the internal dialogue. All those things you say inside your head about yourself is nothing close to the truth or reality. You have to realize that you are the one pulling yourself down and fight to pull yourself back up again. I’m your rock, I’m here to help pull you out of that quick sand, you just have to ask me! 

Life gets tough, but then it gets better and again it will turn to shit only to get better once again.  This is the cycle of life and sometimes you just have to ride the waves! Never give up and always ask for help if your drowning. Someone will always help you just have to know how to ask.

  

When life is bountiful.

I have plants blooming in the garden, flowers and herbs on my deck, busting with aroma and color! I have a job that I enjoy and that rewards me for my hard work and dedication. The love of my life and I are happy and in love planning our wedding, life is good. 

In the midst of all these wonderful things I have taken up a new hobby. I enjoy to color so I have invested in some Copic markers and have started to draw. I’ve never been the most artistic because my main focus while I was young was sports like softball and basketball. I draw like a third grader and I judge myself all the time about how terrible I am. My Fiancé is very artistic so I think because of that I am more critical of my “art”. 

It’s fun though and I enjoy it, just like I enjoy writing (on this blog). My life has been really interesting in the most mundane ways lately but I am absolutely in love with it. My life is great!